An Endless Night
by Rossie
Summary: What was running through Edward's mind as he decided to kill himself after hearing of Bella's death? It's much better then it sounds, check it and review:D
1. Chapter 1 Small Pain

_A/N- i'm brand new here on fanfic, this is my first one. it's not so great, but reviews could help me get better at this:D the next chapter should be on tonight, but I've still got to finish typing it._

**_I don't own any of these characters, or this story. _**

I sat curled in pain as I dwelled on what was left of my now pointless life. I'd followed Victoria for months now, but now she had all but disappeared. I had followed her up through the north and down the Texas. I was sure that she'd be down in South America, but her scent was completely gone from the trail that had led me here had faded away like smoke blown by a breeze. Had the whole thing been a trick? Had she seen me or caught on to me tracking her?

The thing that bothered me most is that I had never gotten close enough to her to figure out what had been going through her mind. I still didn't know if she was aiming for Bel-her. No, I wasn't going to continue torturing myself with her name. What if Victoria was still a threat to _her_? I wasn't going to let Victoria escape from me without knowing her plans, yet I wasn't strong enough to get up and try to find her again.

I looked down at the small green cap in hand. It was worn and the small indents around the inside had nearly evened out from the many times my fingers had ran across the space as I thought of _her_ smell and how much I missed the earlier days when love overtook all my rational thoughts. I quickly closed my fingers over the cap as the sight of it just brought more pain.

I took an unnecessary breath to calm myself, although it didn't help. The result of my weak attempts to silence the pain brought the painful slide show of the worst moments of my life back in front of my eyes. Last September, when Jasper had helped me make the worst decision of my life, nearly killing . . ._ her_. The days later when _she_ swallowed my lies so easily that it hurt, hurt so bad it was hard to keep it in. The weeks that had passed like mere seconds as I wallowed in pain. The misery I had afflicted upon my family. The pain my family had felt when I left them. And as far as Alice knew, I wasn't coming back. Ever.

The last image was the worst. _Her_ face. It stayed there, burning into my memory. The scent, her eyes, her voice saying my name. I knew my memory was perfect, but it could never capture her perfect beauty. _Maybe_ the back of my mind suggested _maybe I could just go back and see if she's happy. Just check and make sure she's safe . . ._ I frowned. I knew this wasn't possible. I couldn't do that. I had promised I would stay out of her life and I would. It would be the one promise I would keep her.

A shrill ring broke through my concentration on my pain. I didn't remember having my cell phone with me, but then again, ever since I'd left _her_ I didn't remember much anymore. It was Emmett. I'd ignored him this long, I at least owed him a good-bye. I sighed as I lifted the phone to my ear with exaggerated slowness. "Hello?" I barely recognized me voice. It was more scratchy and low then usual. I hadn't spoke in so long.

_"Oh Edward,"_ the voice of Rosalie caught me off guard. _"I'm so sorry."_


	2. Chapter 2 Big Decision

_A/N- I'm still very new at this like this is the only thing i've ever written on here, reviews would help a lot. tell me what I've got completely wrong and what I've got somewhat right and I'd appreciate it a lot. thanks for being awesome readers:D_

**_I do not own any of these characters or this book._**

I barely felt the wind licking my face as I drove down the road in a light blue BMW convertible. It had been the first car I'd seen that was even the slightest bit near the speed I longed for. I hadn't bothered with being discreet. As far as I was concerned, I'd soon no longer be a problem with the innocent mortals around me. I had a plan. I was on my way to get on the first plane to Italy.

I replayed the last few moments I had suffered before jumping to this conclusion.

" _Oh Edward,"_ Rosalie said sadly into the phone. _"I'm so sorry."_

I was puzzled, confused. Rosalie had done nothing to me. I had been the one who had forced the family to move, caused them to suffer my pain and then left them to suffer more. "What would youever have to be sorry to me about?" Rosalie inhaled deeply before she said the next sentence. My impatience got the better of me. "Rosalie?"

"_It's Bella."_ my phone slipped from my ear as I winced in the pain of hearing her name. My phone landed on its back, the mouthpiece still facing up towards me. I tried to find my voice, tried to ask what was wrong with Bella, but I was falling into a black hole. I already knew what had happened. I just didn't want to believe it.

"_Edward, she, well, Edward, she killed herself. She jumped and Alice never saw her come back up . . ."_ I would hear no more of it. I didn't believe it. I snatched up my and snapped it shut, straining myself not to break it. I dialed the number I knew only too well. I would prove Rosalie wrong. Bella was _not _dead.

"_Swan residence." _An unfamiliar voice answered me, low and husky. They sounded irritated, like I had interrupted something important. This frightened me.

"This is . . . Dr. Carlisle Cullen," I picked the first name that had popped to my mind. Surely I couldn't use my own name, not after the damage I knew I'd done. "May I talk to Chief Swan please?"

"_He's not here."_ The voice spat back at me, each word decisive and cold.

"Where would he be?" I fought to keep my voice even, hoping that wherever he was, it didn't concern Rosalie being correct.

"_He's at the funeral."_ The phone hit the ground with a thud, snapping shut. The words cut through me like a knife on butter. The pain was unbearable. I doubled over and grabbed my knees for support. They buckled weakly under me and I collided roughly with the ground.

_Funeral._ The word echoed repeatedly through my head. _He's at the funeral._

No.

No. Bella.

Bella. Come back.

It was all my fault.

I had killed Bella.

No. No, no, no, no, no!

I sobbed, tearless cries as I fought for control. I couldn't deal with this, this . . . the word pain was too small, not descriptive enough or anywhere near as intense as what I was feeling. That was when it dawned on me, the simple conversation that I had had with Bella only months before. _I wasn't going to live without you, but I wasn't sure how to do it- I knew Emmett and Jasper would never help . . . so I was thinking maybe I would go to Italy and do something to provoke the Volturi._

That was the answer. I forced myself to rise, believing that this pain would only hold onto me for so much longer. Soon I wouldn't feel at all. Everything would be gone, and maybe- if I was lucky enough- I would be reunited with Bella, if Carlisle was right. I tossed my cell phone into the garbage can at the end of the alley as I glided past it I hot wired the first car I saw, which was the one I was sitting in now.

I knew I had to move fast, now that my decision was made. No doubt would Alice have seen by now that I was planning on killing myself, or whatever it was that happened to us. Destroying perhaps? Not that it matter, either way I was about to disappear. It would hurt them. I tried not think of it, but I couldn't avoid knowing the amount of pain this would cause them. Esme, my mother in all the ways that mattered most, would hurt the most. I already knew how much it had hurt her just when I left months ago and the very thought of how much this would pain her almost made me _consider_ rethinking. No, not a chance. Esme would live through the disappointment, as would Alice and Carlisle. Emmett would miss maybe my wrestling when Jasper wasn't up to it, but otherwise I was sure he'd make it along with Jasper and Rosalie, who really wouldn't miss me all too much to care about right now.

I caught sight of a sign to the nearest airport and curved the car quickly as to not miss the on coming turn. My decision was made and I was ready to make it. Volterra, here I come.


	3. Chapter 3 Flight

_A/N- this chapter has been edited slightly, but not much go ahead and read it I hope you like it. i'm still not positive i'm doing it right. leave me a review, I'm dying to know what ppl are thinking!!_

**_I do not own edward or twilight, but that doesn't mean I can't be overly obsessed with them both ;D_**

I rushed through the crowded airport and to the front desk. The ticket attendant stared open mouth at my arrival. I narrowed my eyes in annoyance as I waited for her to establish I was here. I needed her full attention so she wouldn't miss a single detail and get me straight on the plane.

"Ahem." I cleared my throat loudly, pulling the female attendant back to earth.

"How may I help you, sir?" she inquired, her bleached curls bouncing around her face as she looked around sheepishly as she hoped to herself that no one had been watching her stare at me.

"I need tickets to the next flight to Italy," I informed her, lowering my voice to the gentle tone I used with humans. I breathed deeply in preparation to speak again without crippling over in pain and was caught off guard by the pain as knives dove straight down my throat. How long had it been since I'd hunted last? Come to think of it, how long had it been since I'd even had to worry about hunting?

The lady looked down, though not nearly as flustered by my voice as I was used to, though my face stayed vivid in her mind. I caught a faint glimpse of it as she pushed it aside and attempted to remember what she was looking for, but that glimpse caught me off guard. I was used to seeing my face as beautiful or threatening in the eyes of a human, but this time the thoughts had been based around something entirely different. My face showed an unreal amount of pain that even I hadn't seen on myself before. Even after I had first left _her._ I never realized how I'd failed to hide the pain I was in, and this human was feeling sympathetic. Her thoughts were twisting around how she thought that there had to be something she could do to make me feel better because to her, I looked ready to commit suicide. Funny, how right she was.

_Oh my what should I say?_ She was thinking worriedly to herself. _Is there anything else wrong sir? Oh no, too subtle. How about will that be all? Hmm. No. Something that gets to the point. Oh no, what was the location again. Um, England?_ She began typing the wrong flight address.

"The next flight to Italy," I repeated. Sliding a golden express card in front of her I added, "Price doesn't matter." The lady nodded fiercely, sending her curls flying and her scent wavering towards me. Sure, it smelled nowhere near as good as _her_ or most other human's I'd smelt, but I was thirsty. Far more thirsty then I should ever let myself get. I sucked in a painful breath and held it. I didn't need to breath, why bother? Then again, I was about to die anyway, what did a little more pain matter? I breathed out as the attendant handed me a ticket.

"It boards in five minutes, sir." she told me. _Good luck._ She snorted in mind. I walked away before she could open her mouth to add anything else.

I was glad I was rushed. I didn't want to sit and wait and have to fight off my urge to fall down, curl up and sob my tearless cry. The human's here would look at me like I was crazy, like I had no reason to act with such vain. No human would ever understand. If any of them had been put in such pain none of them would have made it this long.

As I settled into my seat, the last seat in business, I brought back that image of myself that I had seen in that lady's mind. I was shocked by how much of me was truly gone, I barely even had recognized myself. The usual monster that I saw in others eyes when I was this thirsty had vanished. Hidden under layers of such pain that not even I knew existed. Of course, I knew that they existed now. I could feel it, eating away at my chest. It had already ripped out my long silenced heart and thrown it to the lion's pit and the only thing left that it could possibly do to torture me further was to take away my memory.

With that in mind, I leaned back against the airplane seat and breathed out again. I closed my eyes and dug deep into my memory, pulling out the perfect face of Bella. Ow. I opened my eyes and found myself doubled over with my arms crossed holding myself in one piece. I inhaled deeply and tried my hardest to straighten myself up. Maybe _she_ shouldn't be the first thing I think about right now. It took quite a few minutes for me to straightening myself up again as the flight attendant debated on whether he should ask me if I needed a bag. Foolish human. He thought I was sick to my stomach. Was I? Well yes, but not in the same meaning of the word.

I was sick to my stomach at the fact that I had considered that leaving Bella would result in something better for both of us. It had killed her and was soon to kill me. How stupid for me not to think that she'd need someone to watch over her. With her luck she'd probably been nearly killed multiple times while I was gone. How did I not think of this? Anyone but Bella would be better without a hoard of vampires in town.

_Whoosh._ The air hissed from my mouth as if I'd been hit with a boulder square in the chest. I doubled over in the pain that resulted from just thinking her name. This was going to be far harder then I thought. Not collapsing in front of all of the human's here.

Okay, something not painful to think about. I sat back, trying to slow my ragged breathing. What would I do once I reached Volterra? Would I go straight to revealing the secret? No. I didn't want to go straight to destroying the Volturi's cover, surely that would do no good for Carlisle. Might as well be straight forward, ask them to kill me. I nodded to myself. That's what I would do. I'd ask them to kill me, and if they refused then I'd go straight to plan B, reveal the secret. That, no doubt, was a way to insure my destruction.

Now, all things important out of the way, was time to visit what I'd been putting off. I pulled my knees up to my chest and breathed in, holding it. Closing my eyes and turning the voices in my head down until they were like fuzz on a tv, I brought back the picture of my dead love. I spent the rest of the flight remembering. Every touch. Every word. Every breath. The sound of her old heartbeat rang softly in my ears, even though I knew I would never again hear it anywhere else.


	4. Chapter 4 Arrival

_A/N- so i think I'm getting the hang of this:D i'm trying to resist pleading for reviews, but I'm a new author and all I really need to know is if people are enjoying my writing. please, reviews only take ten seconds and they just make me so happy:D_

**_I do not own any part of the twilight series, but they certainly have quite a hold on me._**

I'd been still for too long. Maybe seven, eight hours. I'd been blocking out the voices of others thoughts, but I let them flow in now, to see if the pain that I was feeling was showing as visibly as it felt. I settled on the first mind I found suitable, the flight attendant.

The male attendant was looking over at me with worried thoughts, he thought I was dead. In his mind I was a lifeless statue that hadn't breathed in hours. That reminded me, I took a deep breath. The knives in my throat wasn't the only pain that coursed through my hollow body. The fact that I was still able to breath when Bella, I winced, could not. Why? I couldn't help but ask myself yet another time. Why did she do it? She _promised_ me she wouldn't. The conversation was still clear in my head.

"_I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much," _I had asked, fighting to keep from pleading.

"_Anything."_ she had sounded so broken, so weak and hurt it was painful to not break down right there and demand to know how she could believe this! All the lies I had so easily crammed down her throat. I had never known my own power.

"_Don't do anything reckless_ _and stupid," _I wasn't able to keep my voice monotone anymore, this one favor, one promise, had kept me from going back to check on her. _"Do you understand what I'm saying?"_

She had nodded. I had believed her. I could never doubt Bella. Never think that she would do anything against what she had promised. And then she went and . . . I killed her. I had to stop blaming her. There was no doubt that if I hadn't left her like that with no one to watch over her and protect her and love her like I had then she would still be . . . alive.

I fought to keep breathing, allowing the pain of my thirst to stab at me. Although it was nothing, nothing at all, compared to the pain I felt tearing at my hollow body that pleaded for Bella. I peaked into the mind of the woman sitting next to me. She had spent the entire flight shying away from me, afraid that I would have an emotional outburst at anytime. As far as I knew, I could. But now she was studying my frozen face, wondering if I could really sleep for that long on the plane when it's been shaking ever so often by wind torrents.

_I wonder why his face looks like that_ she was thinking, referring to the pain I didn't even bother to hide. _What could be so wrong that would drive a man to look so . . . hurt doesn't seem right . . ._

The image of me in her mind struck me and I looked at it for a while. My mouth was twisted up into a small little O where air was pushing in and out raggedly. My eyes were scrunched tight, driving my forehead into tight lines that looked like they were permanent. My cheeks sagged lifelessly under my deep purple bags that encircled my eyes. I looked torn. Nothing could put me back together, I knew this. I wish that the humans would realized this and stop staring at me with such curious intensity.

I tried hard to breath constantly throughout the short hours remaining as I watched Bella dance behind my eyes. I tried hard to keep myself from showing anymore pain then I did I already. I tried hard not to break down and tear apart to plane. Maybe if it burst into flames then it would burn my to death. Or destruction. Whatever it was that happened to us monsters. But I was able to resist, though I don't know quite how.

"Welcome to Florence, Italy," a voice on the intercom broke my concentration. My eyes snapped open, but all I could see was the image of Bella that I was trying to hide again. I snapped them back shut as I crumbled into my legs and held myself together. "In just a moment, we will be unloading."

This was going to be a challenge. How was I supposed to stand when I could barely stay in my seat? I focused on my breathing, though I knew only too well from experience that this would make no difference. I comforted myself with the thought that I wouldn't have to suffer in this hell for much longer. Soon I would be reunited with Bella, all I could do was hope that Carlisle was right.

I managed to fight the urge to fly past all the humans as they moved at snail speed, dragging there feet with jet leg as they moved sluggishly onward. I sighed with relief the moment that I was free of the lines of humans that had been surrounding me. I willed myself to keep my human facade as I moved quickly, for a human, through the airport. I found myself in the parking garage without realizing this was where I'd been heading. At least some part of me was still intact.

I jumped on the first car I found, a bright red Ferrari. It made me pause for a second, grip my sides to keep the pain from tearing me apart, as I remembered how much I had wanted to buy Bella this kind of car. Anything to have replaced her terrible, slow, piece of junk. I was surprised that hadn't been the death of her. I chuckled darkly and scowled, scolding myself for being so stupid to find that humorous.

It didn't take long, as I wove in and out of the never ending traffic, to reach the countryside. The trees flashed past in a straight green line as I focused on nothing more but keeping the haunting picture of my dead love from reaching my eyes again. I knew the moment that happened, this car would be ruined. I would reflectively double over before I realized I had and clutch at myself, trying to find a way to stop the pain. To escape it. Soon enough, I reminded myself, I'll be forever freed of this monster that was eating me into empty holes.

Then the large city walls of Volterra reached my eyes. The sun had set far off on the horizon behind the city walls, so walking into to see the Volturi wouldn't be a problem. For once, I'd blend in. The people here were used to seeing my kind walking on the streets. I had to do nothing but keep a human pace.

I ditched the car, removing all of my prints, and rushed, my speed, to the far wall surrounding Volterra. I could see the large building that no doubt housed the many vampires living in this terrible city. I snuck over the wall, jumping to the ground. I took a step forward and immediately crouched down into a defensive position, a growl erupting from deep in my chest, as I heard the thoughts of a vampire that was only a few yards from me.

_Oh my, Carlisle's boy?_


	5. Chapter 5 A simple request

_A/N- okay so this is my longest chapter yet. i'm really working hard to type these chapters, please, leave a review, tell me what you really think. it wont take long:D i've decided that i'm going to update this story every friday, please leave reviews and let me know if its worth it ;D_

**_No part of twilight is mine but I truly wish I was a part of it. _**

My growl grew more pronounced as the face of the devil came into view. Jane. The snarl ripped through my teeth as the little girl looked at me with a lethal expression. _Now, now, do be calm Edward._ She thought to me, smiling slightly as she considered making me stop.

"Like the pain you could bring upon me could ever compare to what I've been through." I snarled at her. The tiny smile flew from her face.

"I'm guessing you wish to see Aro?" she scowled, her tone reproachful. "Is that what you've come here on, a death wish Edward?" She was taking in the pained look on my face. She knew that I wanted it gone.

Hearing my name receding from her filthy mouth caused another growl to rip through me. Now, I found myself hoping that she would decide to use her lethal weapon upon me. Maybe it would numb to growing pain of my longing to be with B- her. Now was not the time to be weak. _Careful._ She warned me.

"Do your worst." I spat back. She narrowed her eyes at me. _What could be so bad?_ She wondered. All the same, she couldn't pass up an opportunity to kick the weak when they were down.

I stifled a scream as pain ripped through my chest, tearing my head in half. No, this actually wasn't as bad as what I'd been experiencing since Bella had died. I was finally able to break down, fall to the ground, let my despair get the better of me. I had the excuse I'd been needing for the last, maybe twelve hours? I left my body take control, it flinched and twisted into positions that would have snapped a human's spine and left them for dead. If only I was that fortunate.

The unknown force that had been tearing at my chest and head decreased, but never vanished. It only lowered to where it was just bearable. Barely, but I could at least somewhat handle it now that I knew the end was so near.

Jane scowled. She'd been hoping that her pain would bring on a more hurt look to me, but in her mind I looked had looked no different twitching on the ground then I had when she'd first laid her eyes on her. Ha! Did she truly believe she could afflict worst pain on me? Nothing could darken this endless night I was damned to live in.

"Take me," I took a deep breath as I forced my legs to hold me up despite the crippling pain in my chest. "To Aro." Jane scowled, but raised a hand, motioning me to follow her. _Why would he want to see Aro? He looks so depressed. I wonder why I didn't even make him look worse as he was on the ground. Strange . . ._

Her thoughts were boring and unsurprising. I blocked her out as we tore through the darkened city. My vision wasn't affected by the darkness of this night, everything was just changed into a more vivid, purple tint. Everything still was in perfect detail as it flashed past my face.Jane led me through many long dark alleys all branching off towards an ancient medieval castle. No doubt this was the center of the evil housed in this dark little city.

_Now who's this Jane's dragged over? _The thoughts of another vampire took me from surprise. I'd been blocking out the humans' and Jane's thoughts as we had sailing through the city, but a new, stronger voice caught me off guard. In a city with vampires lurking around every corner, I couldn't make sense of why this had surprised me so much. _Oh, he looks awful. Poor boy, Jane must have him cursed._

I couldn't help but chuckle darkly. I would have preferred it if, right now, I still held the excuse of Jane's torturous gaze to drop to the ground and let the pain swallow me. "Jane." the vampire greeted her in a detached voice as he looked me over with disapproving eyes. I recognized this voice from the one time, many years ago, when Carlisle had stopped to visit Aro, Caius, and Marcus. They were old friends and we were passing by about to head back the US. I composed my face to the normal pained expression. It was as close to detached that I was ever going to get. Alec returned my glare. His expression shifted and he looked at me with confusion mixed with surprise. "Edward Cullen? Did Carlisle accompany you here?"

"I came alone." I responded curtly. _Um . . . _echoed from his head and I groaned in impatiently.

"He wants to see Aro." Jane informed Alec coldly. _I think this is one of the few idiotic suicidal vampires. Humph._ I snarled at Jane and she looked away sheepishly. She had forgotten I read minds.

"I've got it from here, Jane," Alec assured Jane, opening the large front door for me, though he still looked confused and undecided. "You may continue what you were doing." He added, his voice warning. I knew they were doing something they didn't want me to know about, so I blocked them out. Besides, I was dying soon. What did it matter?

Alec led me through an elaborate lobby and into a large spacious office with one large desk resting against the far wall. Music, it sent waves of painful memories down my throat and tearing at my chest, was tinkling harmlessly through small speakers above the desk. Behind the desk sat a human. Her name was Gianna and she was perhaps the dumbest mortal I had ever seen.

"Excuse me for a moment, Edward." Alec requested without looking at me to see my reaction as he sped off down a hall to the right of the desk to where Aro sat. I almost considering just staying where I was on my feet, but the pain was aching so badly right now, I needed some sort of relief.

I wandered over to one of the homey gray couches and was sitting so in one fluid movement and I was positive that Gianna hadn't seen any of that at all. I leaned back and clutched my arms so tight to my chest I was surprised I wasn't actually ripping myself apart. Strange enough it had the opposite effect. I sat for only minutes, I knew this, but it felt like hours, days, maybe even months, as the pain grew more and more intense as realization of what was truly going on sunk in. Even on the plane, something had been going on. Human thoughts had been buzzing in the back of my mind like an annoying housefly and had distracted me enough to prevent the truth in this nightmare to trickle in. Now, as Gianna's thoughts consisted of nothing more then dull busywork, the unwelcome reality sunk in.

Bella was dead

It was all my fault.

She had broken her promise.

And no doubt would I have most of my family on a plane following me by now.

Hopefully Aro would give me mercy and kill me now. My family did nothing to deserve another loss in our coven. Another train of thought filled my head as I sensed Alec approach me again. I coaxed the pain to lessen for it was soon to find its true end.

"Aro will see you now." Alec growled. I looked up, he was scowling at me. Something that had caused him displeasure had occurred in his short conversation with Aro, but he was hiding it in the back of his mind.

I nodded to him as he gestured the way to go, but didn't follow until I was a ways ahead of him. I walked down the hallway and, despite the warm, cozy look of it, it sent chills down my back and caused me to swallow down a growl. I pushed open the door after hesitating a second to see if Alec would lead the way. I took a step in and heard the door slam shut behind me.

A decrepit, white vampire starred down at me from a high wooden chair. He was surrounded by many other vampires that were hidden beneath black wool cloaks that might have look threatening if my body wasn't slowly shutting down.

"Edward Cullen," Aro greeted me, holding out his white, papery hand. Of course I knew what he wanted from me. He would want to know why I came and his gift, the ability to see everything that one's mind has ever thought, would be very useful at accomplishing this. I walked forward and placed my hand in his. Even though all vampires had always felt the same temperature to me, there was something about Aro that made his skin feel slightly colder and actually fragile.

I cringed as he began sorting through my memory and I couldn't keep myself from viewing it replay back from his mind. It started out as just me. I was walking through the dull points in life, viewing my vampire life as a long forever with nothing to keep me amused other then my music and family. Then, I wrapped an arm across my chest, Bella appeared. My life became bright as day, the sun breaking over the horizon. There, all my emotions were wiped back at me. I fought the intoxicating urge to double over in the pain. Bella's birthday party, the decision I had made that night, and then I was telling her good bye. My sun was setting, low on the horizon, to never rise again. The decision that had damned me an endless night. Not even the moon or stars would grace me with their presence.

Oh no.

I tried my hardest to block out what was coming next, but there was nothing I could do.

_She killed herself._

Rosalie's fatal words echoed through my ears and I found myself doubled over in pain.

I breathed and remembered that it was all going to be over soon. I looked up to see that Aro had pulled back his hand to wrap it around his own chest.

"Oh my!" he exclaimed as he slowly lowered his arm, chuckling to himself. "_That _was quite painful." _Is a human girl really worth that much agony?_ He wondered to himself. I snarled in disgust as he thought of Bella as _just_ a human girl. She had been far more then that too me. I winced. The past tense hurt. "Is that what you really want?" Aro asked, calming his guard with a wave of his hand as he ignored my outburst.

"Yes," I growled. "I wish to die."


	6. Chapter 6 Frustration

_A/N- here's another chapter for ya guys:D thanks to all of ya who have added me to ur favs I rele appreciate it! don't be afraid to leave a review, trust me, it takes no more then 5 seconds and it makes me rele happy;D oho check out my new fanfic-umfamiliar touch:D_

_**the story this book holds doesnt belong to me, but i wish i belonged to it;D**_

* * *

_Bam_! The wall indented where I had kicked. The weak rocks crumbled to the ground at me touch, leaving a deep, foot shaped dent in the wall. I stared at it for a moment, it was in my second nature to buff out the dent, destroy all the evidence of me once being here. Right now though, I wanted to be caught, to be punished, but I highly doubted that a simple foot shaped dent in the wall behind a building in an abandoned alley would get me the death penalty.

This should be over. This could have been easy. I would be with Bella right now, if Carlisle was right. Even if he was wrong, I'd at least have left behind this monster that was slowly and painfully eating me from the inside out. I growling, cursing Aro so loudly that human ears couldn't hear it, as I frowned upon how he had denied my simple request.

.

"Yes," I growled. "I wish to die." Aro's sharp intake of breath was the only sound that everyone else in the room could hear. I, unfortunately, heard the thoughts of omitted from all the heads that flashed to study Aro's reaction. I did my best to block out their thoughts, all screaming at Aro with curiosity towards his decision and all screaming at me, asking why I was such a fool. I tuned into Aro's thoughts , hoping that he would give me this one relief after experiencing my pain.

His thoughts wavered. _This is not something I can decide myself._ He finally declared in his mind. I scowled. "Edward, would you please step out to the front office again for a moment?" Aro requested politely, though his jaw was tight with indecision. "I must discuss this . . . request of yours."

I clenched my jaw, but otherwise nodded. In others minds, I was thought of as a beautiful reward. Quite a few of them wished to have me join the Volturi guard. They all think it'd be wonderful to have someone who can read the minds of their enemies without having to touch them. But would I really be all that helpful if I spent most of my time with them doubled over in pain?

I was out and sitting on the gray couch again in 1/16 of a second. Gianna didn't even look up in surprise at my sudden approach. It made me sick, in my mind of course, that this human would go through such lengths when they would most likely just kill her in the end. Why would anyone be foolish enough to give up human life to become a soulless monster?

"_You know what I want."_ words from deep inside my memory echoed through my hollow shell. Bella. When we were in her truck on the way to her fatal 18th birthday party. Of course. She had, I winced at the past tense, wanted to be one of us. She'd been willing to give up everything, every slice of her humanity, to become a bloodsucking soulless monster with no shot at heaven ever again. She thought I refused because I didn't want her forever.

What a foolish thing to have crossed her mind. Of course I'd always wanted her forever, every minute of forever, but I wasn't going to take her soul in order to do that. She had been a beautiful person, inside and out, who had never wanted anything other then to make people around her happy before she made herself happy. She had been perfectly selfless. And she had expected me to damn her to hell?!

Had. Ugh, I just can't stand that word! Why would Bella do it! Why would she kill herself! Damn it, why hadn't anyone saved her? Stopped her! Why hadn't anyone shown her how important she truly is?!

"Excuse me, sir," the voice of the human that had started my latest meltdown broke me from my trance, her voice strictly business, detached. "They'll see you now."

It was then when I realized I was doubled over again, one arm attempting to hold my shattered form together, the other crushing my knees together to keep myself from toppling over. It was unbelievable, how hard it was, to force myself to my feet and onward to the my hoped for death.

I took no more then one step into the room before all the thoughts crashed through my weekended defense. Aro opened his mouth, but was cut off by my infuriated snarl that ripped through my throat as I tore from the room.

I had only made it to this alley before I was over come by the pain of reality. They weren't going to take me from this word, take me from this unimaginable pain. I allowed it to crush me to the ground for a matter of hours, but as the sun began to rise over the east walls, the pain slowly morphed into anger. If they weren't going to take my life when I merely requested it, then I was going to give them a reason to.

.

_Crunch, crunch, crunch._ The ruble from the stone walls squished like Jell-O under my feet as I stomped on them angrily.

How to go about this.

Should I go punch a hole in a building? Throw a car across the city? I began pacing at a human speed. Run through the city at a speed to fast to be human, but just fast enough for them to see? Tear up the sidewalk from beneath the human's feet?

I spent a while debating on what I would do to get the Volturi to kill me. None of them seemed good enough. Some of them just seemed to subtle. I wanted to go out with a bang. Then it hit me. I knew exactly what I would do. I stared up at the sun, it was barely inching over the top of the lower wall to the east. So maybe it was around six, six thirty in the morning? Perfect. Human's would be up soon.

Let the hunt begin.


	7. Chapter 7 The hunt

_A/N- i'm not sure if i'm going to continue. i needta know wht u guys think. should i continue writin as the book says or do it my own way or just not at all. shrugs, idk, review, let me know_

**_nope, nothing here's mine._**

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Humans. Their petty little brains and weak senses could never offer a fight to vampires. We could kill them effortlessly, even if we didn't look absolutely stunning to them. With our speed, our poison jutting from our razor sharp teeth, our indestructible everything and iron grip, why did we even need to look so appealing? Hmm. This had always been a mystery to me. Yet another mystery that I would never have the chance to figure out.

I was stalking through the alleys, looking for a crowded place where humans were rushing off towards their small offices and other jobs. The crowds were small, consisting of no more then three people walking together at time. Many times I would reach a group of five or six people, but I would always find an excuse not to hunt this group. Not smelling appetizing enough, not in a good enough place for the Volturi to catch me, being too close from where they were going . . . I would have to start with something simpler. With just one person.

I searched through the city, debating on where to start. It had to be near eight now. I found myself in a near abandoned parking garage. One small car with a glossy black paint job rested peacefully in the corner as its whistling driver approached it causally. I envied his look of absolute carelessness. He had nothing to worry about, he was at the head of his business, just got engaged to the love of his life, having yet another beautiful morning. I began my silent approach. This one human would surely break me from my slump, lead me past my ridiculous excuses I kept using whenever I had an open opportunity to kill a defenseless human.

He had paused in front of his car to unlock it, stopping for a moment to check his hair in his mirror. I would take pleasure in this, I would scare him. I was behind him in the blink of an eye, within view as he looked into his side mirror. I heard his gasp, I was aware that he had turned around, I knew that he had been thinking that I was there to rob him, I had felt the relief wave through his mind as he realized that I must _not_ have been there after all. That was because by the time he had even started with the gasp, I had been halfway across the parking garage.

I was torn. I couldn't believe the face that I had seen in the reflection of that review mirror had been mine. The face resembled the monster I had only once before. The monster I had seen in Bella's eyes when I first caught her scent. Only this time it was most definitely worse. Under layers of anguish, guilt and torture was a beast, craving for not only the death of himself, but of others. Then, as I had been turning I had found myself face to face with the same person who had trapped this monster last time it had been let lose. Carlisle.

The man, my father in all ways possible, had been frowning at me. In disgust, disapproval. In regret, pity. In confusion, surprise. I never had deserved the pride, the love, the forgiveness, that this man had given me after all the sins and other bad things I had done. If I was to go out in anyway, it would not be in a way that would offend the one vampire I had ever been able to look up to and admire for being a good person. Him and Esme.

Esme. Oh no. I had forgotten all about her. Her and the others. She must have sent a fire squad for me now. My death. She would hear nothing of it. Even if no one else was going she'd muster up her courage and come stop me herself. I would have to do this and soon. I'd have to do this in a way that wouldn't hurt my family or offend my father. I'd do this the most pleasant, harmless way possible.

I'd step into and die under the beauty of what had left me so long ago in this endless night.


	8. Chapter 8 Sun

_**A/N- ahh right I still have this story;) I think that for the rest of this story i'm bascially going to follow the story line, but some dialogue might be different. review if you do/don't like it. (that beginning is a flashback in case you get confused)**_

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_I laid perfectly still on the grass letting the warmth of the sun invade my body and flow through my dormant veins. It came to me, just like that. I started singing, it was the words to Bella's lullaby. They were octaves higher then human ears could hear and in french. I always thought that the french's language was much more beautiful then English or Spanish._ _The words flowed my mind and out of my mouth without so much as a thought on my part. That's how composing worked for me. I didn't think about it, if I did it would come out horribly. No my music came through inspiration just like that. Just like this. _

_Bella wondered what I was doing as my lips formed the words she couldn't hear. I told her I was singing to myself, though truly I was singing to her. I didn't want to feel restricted just because she couldn't hear it. _

_I listened in contentment to the sound of her heart beating. It was picking up and dropping just like the melody sending more words spiraling at me. Something even warmer then the sun brushed the back of my hand. It felt truly amazing. I opened my eyes as Bella looked up. Her eyes were sparkling giving the beautiful brown depths a welcoming glow. A smile touched my lips without any effort._

"_I don't scare you?" I teased, though I was honestly curious to know what she was thinking as she starred so intently at my sparkling appearance._

"_No more than usual." _

_Her reply sent an even wider smile to my lips, my teeth caught the sun._

_I heard her scoot a little closer to me. The warmth of her fingertips traced along my forearm down along my arm to my finger tips. Her finger trembled, but I didn't bother asking why._

"_Do you mind?" she whispered. _

"_No," I replied not opening my eyes in fear that when I did she'd disappear. "You can't imagine how that feels." I sighed in pleasure._

It had seemed so easy in the beginning. That first day in her meadow I had never felt more human in my life with all of the emotions that were coursing through me. I had tricked myself into believing that the relationship between me and Bella would have been effortless, that it would work out in the end. It truly did feel that way as I had laid out in the sun with her calmly tracing over my arm. I shivered. I missed her warmth. I missed her heartbeat.

I couldn't remember the words of her lullaby now. If I could I'd surely be singing them right now, as I prepared myself to step out into the sun for a final time. It reminded me so much of the day in the meadow which must be why it kept replaying itself in my head in a continuous pattern. I had stood in the safe shadows of the trees thinking over the reasons why I was about to do this. Why I should step into the sun and why I shouldn't. It was the same now. All the reasons why I should related to Bella, all the reasons why I shouldn't related to my family.

The day in the meadow it had been so to make Bella happy, to show her why I was to be feared, to see if she really did love me. I shouldn't have because it would give away my family's secret, risk our existence and bring Bella one more step closer to them. Today, though, was to make me happy by being _with_ Bella, to find her in a place where she really did love and not have to fear anything anymore. I shouldn't be stepping into the sun now because I knew this would hurt my family. Carlisle would blame himself for ever changing me and making me go through this. Esme would mourn over the lost of yet another son. Alice would be alone with Jasper to deal with being different though, in a way, Jasper had never fully understood Alice. Emmett would miss me, Rosalie, despite it all, would too. But those two would survive, I didn't have to fear for them. I just hoped that when I stepped into the sun they wouldn't be here trying to stop me or the stop the Volturi from killing me for both would result in the death of them. I was going to leave this earth without them.

The monster inside of me was mute now. It had realized that there was nothing more it could do to me, now that I was giving up. It was getting ready to leave, to go find someone else to torture as it had done to me. I doubted anyone could make it as long as I have, I think that was impossible. I stepped up to the very edge of the shadows as the clock showed one minute until noon. I stood, still as a statue, waiting to hear the clock chime.

_Bong!_ It went off for the first time and I smiled. The wind blew strongly in my face. I was so close to death that I could smell her. I lifted my foot as I prepared to step into the sun. The clock chimed a fifth time and I dramatically began lowering my foot.

No longer would I be held captive on this rathole known as earth. I would soon be free.


	9. authors note

_A/N- I'm sorry to say but I'm going to take a slight break from updating. I've been updating all weekend. Not in this story exactly, but in my other, unfamiliar touch. I've added like ten chapters this week. I will have more of this story by Tuesday at the latest, soccer season just ended :( I'm sorry for making you guys have to wait._

_Please, try and review my other chapters if you have read them. Thank you to jaralrunner and riversd14, you two are part of the reason I'm enjoying writing this story so much:)_


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